Satirical News Headlines — Written in SNL’s Weekend Update Style

Looking for some answers? We’ve got you covered. Please don’t try to call her, this is supposed to be the closure you need.

A man wearing a “Jesus Saves” shirt during a marathon collapsed just before reaching the finish line, only to be miraculously saved by a nurse named Jesus Bueno. “Jesus Bueno” is also what Trump said during a visit to a Sunday School in Puerto Rico.

Research in Britain shows that staring at seagulls can stop them from taking food from your hands. Unfortunately, the same method of staring does not stop Grandma from saying racist things during Thanksgiving dinner.

May 4th has been declared Star Wars Day. Coincidentally, May 4th is also Virgin Day.

A local elementary school took a field trip to the Chick-fil-A headquarters in Atlanta on Friday. The tour was ended by giving each kid a stuffed Chick-fil-A cow and a friendly reminder that being gay is wrong.

A Florida man was arrested for having sex with a stuffed Olaf doll from the movie Frozen in a St. Petersburg Target. And that’s not the worst part. After he had finished with the toy he put it back on the shelf. If Olaf wasn’t stuffed before, he sure is now.

12% of Americans reported they have trouble finding excuses to leave the party early. My go-to line is “Sorry I can’t stay longer, I have to go shave my big toe hair.” Now, I don’t have to find any more excuses because I’m “uninvited indefinitely”.

New IU students in Bloomington are reportedly confused when they visit Showalter Fountain. Who is Walter? What if he’s already seen it?

Stephen MacFarlane and Alan Robinson have been lifelong friends for more than 60yrs. They recently discovered through a DNA testing website that they are related. They were both so happy until Stephen revealed that he had been having relations with Alan’s mother.

An Iowa woman died from an explosion last night in what appears to be a gender-reveal party gone wrong. Bystanders were quoted in saying “the explosion was cool, but what gender is red?”

Wild turkeys are taking over a small neighborhood in New Jersey. They are reportedly terrorizing humans, breaking windows and pecking at cars. We interviewed a mailman who just recently got over his fear of dogs. He had no comment.

A Florida man was arrested on Wednesday night for pointing lasers at planes trying to land at Sarasota International Airport. While he declined to be interviewed, I believe he was doing a public service of trying to stop people from visiting Florida.

An Indian man who was bitten by a snake got his revenge on the reptile by biting it back and killing it. If I were his dentist I’d be worried.

In other news, Monster’s Inc movie character, Mike Wazowski, has received a lot of attention for this realization— his chin, is also his crotch. That’s tough.

A Florida couple was recently found attempting to have sex in the back of a police car. The officer who found them disrobing when he entered the vehicle told us, “It’s Florida, this literally happens every day.” I guess if you can’t fuck the police, you can at least make the back of their car smell weird.

A 19 year old woman gave birth to a baby on the dance floor of a nightclub in Toulouse, France. Due to the good news, the club announced that the baby will have free entry to the club for the rest of its life, which was about 3 seconds since it contracted 13 different diseases as soon as it touched the floor.