How to Welcome New People to the Neighborhood

Moving to a new place can be tough! Here are some ways to make your new neighbors feel welcome.

Plant flowers in their yard for them — Giant cactus in the dead center of their yard? You’ll be sure to get a thank-you note.

Force your religion on them — Catholic guilt works wonders.

Run over their dog so y’all can bond over their new puppy — Gotta have a shared bonding experience right?

Show them around their own house — Here’s where I smashed an entire bottle of wine on New Year’s Eve, here’s the closet where I had sex with Craig from up the street, here are the really ugly countertops.

Pour your heart out to them about your bad relationship with your father — He wanted a boy. Get over it.

Hide in their house and pretend to be a ghost — Be careful if they call a ghost hunting team. Those guys mean business.

Throw them a surprise beach-theme party by filling their house with sand — I’m sure they won’t mind if you eat a handful when they aren’t looking. Party planning is hard, you deserve it.

Get their mail for them even when they’re not out of town — Save them some time by opening it and giving them a summary of their mail. Just being neighborly!

Practice fire drills with them — Can never be too prepared! Fires strike often and at night.

Be their guard dog — Keep the mailman on his toes.

Tell the other neighbors that they’re neo-nazi — Now you have some new friends all to yourself!

Bring over some homemade soup in your pocket — No pesky tupperware to return!

Steal something every time you’re over — Now they’ll appreciate having a guard dog with this spike in crime.

Suggest they build a sex dungeon in the basement — I saw it in Southern Living. Trendy!

Clean their chimney for them — Surprise! I’m in your fireplace.

SWAT their house — They’ll be the talk of the town!