13 Reasons Why Your Wife Left You
Looking for some answers? We’ve got you covered. Please don’t try to call her, this is supposed to be the closure you need.
Your brother is way hotter — Sorry. Have you considered a face transplant?
You lie facedown in the driveway — Trying to understand the plight of worms is ruining your anniversary.
You fantasize about Scrub Daddy — She thought it was a joke at first. At least use it to clean if you love it so much.
The life-size cut out of Guy Fieri creeped her out — It moved yesterday. Doesn’t help that you put at the foot of the bed every night.
You don’t make enough money — Being a snake milker is not very lucrative.
You embarrassed her at her office Christmas party — Telling everyone about your snake milking job and offering to demonstrate on them got her sent to HR.
You’re possessed by a demon — Can you stop levitating for a second please? She’s trying to have a nice dinner with you and doesn’t understand tongues.
You can only have sex during high tide — Women are ruled by the moon, not you.
You’re growing man boobs just a little bit — It’s the hormones in all the milk you drink, Jeffery. Oatmilk has so many benefits for you and the environment.
You started wearing her bras — She understood that you may have needed it for your newly budding breasts, but choosing the lacey ones is where things got weird.
You’ve become obsessed with tennis balls — They’re in the sheets. In the cereal boxes. In the shower. In the garage shelves. In the oven. Is this some kind of sexual thing? You don’t even play tennis.
You refuse to eat anything but raw hotdogs — Who told you that was an aphrodisiac? Stop reading Fox News.
You have cancer — Real downer.