How to Hijack a Plane (Without a Gun)

In a post 9/11 world, it’s hard to make a plane reroute without a dangerous weapon. Here are some threats you can make instead.

Floss everyone’s teeth — Ahhh your gums are bleeding! It’s because you don’t floss enough, Eric.

Teach everyone a card game — Fuck no I’m not learning Euchre. A trump suit? You mean a blue suit with self tanner on the collar?

Release a group of Jehovah’s witnesses — There aren’t any doors to separate you from learning about our Lord and Savior this time.

Put beans in people’s ears — Mmmmmm beans.

Have Grandpa Jim show pictures from his trip Jersey City in 1964 — Grandpa NO. I don’t care you had hair then. Let’s address your 16yr old girlfriend later.

Explain the history of the Israeli-Palestinian conflict — Not my problem.

Force feed hardboiled eggs — Stinky. Unpleasant. High in protein! Really fun to swallow whole.

Ask the pilot nicely to reroute — Where do you wanna go so bad anyway? Twin Towers? Already been done. Grow up.

Release chickens — Not life-threatening but definitely inconvenient.

Explain your parent’s divorce — It’s your fault. Yeah your dad cheated with his tennis partner but you were super annoying.

Soup — Lots of it.

Dump out all the Diet Coke on the plane — People will go into withdrawal in minutes. What’s y’all’s deal with that? Get some help.

Make everyone do the YMCA — This might not work if the passengers are white and headed to wedding. They’ll enjoy it.

Moan every time there’s turbulence — Give ‘em a real When Harry Met Sally performance.

Teach the old people how to rotate a PDF — Jesus fuck enough.

Pretend to be waterboarded — Don’t use Diet Coke. Withdrawal rage is real.

Make everyone respond to their emails — I’d rather claw my eyeballs out. Regards, Flight J4628.

Put Cats featuring James Corden on all the screens — If they didn’t have PTSD before, they sure do now.

Roll like a meatball up and down the aisle — Oh you’re trying to get to the bathroom? Nope. Meatball time.